That je ne sais quois...je n'ais pas

What is it that makes a person read as male or female? Is it clothing? Is it their name? Is it their voice? Is it their body shape? Is there one defining feature that makes a person read as male or female? Or is it more a combination of many gender markers that culminate to create an appearance of female or male?

I've been noticing that the more I try to look male/masculine and the more I feel masculine the more I am read as female....or I suppose I notice it more when I am read as female because I am intentionally trying to be read as male.

I got my binder on Saturday while I was in Toronto for Pride. I've worn it everyday since. I always felt as though my breasts were the main feature that marked me as female, but now that I'm binding and they are not as obvious it is clear that there are other things that are marking me as female....what are they?? (well i'm sure i know...but i'd rather pretend i don't)

I remember when my brother was going through puberty and began getting severe acne on his face he became extremely self conscious and always complained that everyone was staring at him. Being four years younder than him, I didn't really understand what he was going through at that time because I was never concerned about what people thought about me and how i looked. I was never concerned about how people were reading me at that time. But now that I am consciously trying to change the way people read me I can relate to how he must have felt at that very vulnerable time in his life.

What I find the most perplexing though is how readily we place gender labels on people even when it seems fairly obvious that they are not ascribing to traditional gender norms. Shouldn't we be asking istead of assuming? I'd rather be asked whether I'm a guy or a girl and be able to claim my own gender rather than to be told which gender I am by someone else.....You don't know me bitch!

Gender Queer

When I created this blog, I had the intention of using it as a meduim to explore and discuss my expereinces of living as a butch lesbian. I wanted to have a place to say what I was too scared to say out loud. I wanted a place where I could think about the fine line between butch and trans. I wanted to talk about where the line between butch ended and trans started. But I am beginning to understand that there isn't a clear line. You hear people say that gender is not one or the other, and that we all have both masculine and feminine energy within us, some people identify stronger with one or the other, some people lie somewhere in between. Some people feel the gender they were assigned at birth and their own gender identity align correctly and some do not. I belive I am in the "not" category. And I want to do something about it.

In the past year I have become increasingly interested in and aware of my own gender identity and how I want to present myself to the world. I have struggled to be an authentic person my whole life. Feeling the need to be authentic to my inner self but struggling to outwardly present that inner self in a way that I feel is congruent with how I feel inside. Consistently feeling masculine/male on the inside while being painfully aware of my female body and how other people perceive me. Throughout my early adulthood I have made small tweaks and changes here and there. Coming out as lesbian and living life as butch has for the most part created that authentic self that I had been struggling to find for a very long time.

But now I feel like I need something more....

What more is there? There are days when I consider calling myself a transman and transitioning to a male bodied person. There are days when all I can think about is wanting surgery to remove by breasts and to go on testosterone to change my face and body into the masculine form I see myself as. But at the same time I do not want to loose the female connection I have to the world. I do not hate my female self, I simply want to bring out the more masculine self. To feel a balance between my female and male spirit.
Because I have been raised to live in the world as a woman, because I have been socialized and learned to operate in the world as a woman, I cannot fully know what it means to see life through a male lense. I will always look at life through a female lense, but I do not want to be read as female. I want to walk through this life read as a male bodied person. A male bodied person with a female perspective.

I am Gender Queer. I am two spirited. I am both man and woman.

eating at a restaurant shouldn't be a lesson in gender labelling

I have come to notice with increasing displeasure that whenever I go to have a nice meal at a restuarant with my partner I am constantly reminded of my own and my partner's gender. It starts as soon as we walk in the door and are greeted by an overly perky hostess who states "Table for two, ladies?" The server is no better with their "ladies" and "girls" and "huns" during each check-in to see how we are doing.
Now I admit that I tend to be slightly more sensitive to these remarks than probably most women since I feel that I make it quite apparent that I am not in any way trying to look feminine. I feel like the more butch I look, the greater the ratio of gender labels I receive. Its almost as if the other person is trying to convince both themselves and me that I am indeed female. Yes I have breasts, and yes I have a female body shape, and yes my facial features look more female than male. I do not need to be reminded of these things while i'm trying to avoid getting wing sauce all over my face.

If she walks like a butch, talks like a butch, and dresses butch....she must be butch

I'm starting this blog with the intention of having a place to share my own experience of what it's like to walk through life identifying as a butch lesbian. I've been finding it difficult to comfortably own this label without wondering what it really means to identify as butch. I mean, i've read Stone Butch Blues - and i found i related to many of the struggles faced by Jess and the other butches in the book, however it made me wonder if identifying as butch today means something different than it did ten, twenty, or thirty years ago. Sometimes i feel like saying you're butch nowadays can be translated into another way of saying you are transgendered. Am I transgendered or do i just like to wear men's clothing because its more comfortable? Do i keep my hair so short because its easy and i like it better, or am i trying to look like a man....or am i just trying to look less feminine? I've been thinking about these things recently and thought it might help to blog it out for all the world to read.

What does it mean to be a butch? What makes a butch a butch and not a woman who wants to be a man?